Instinct
by her name is erika
Summary: Victoria found a kindred spirit in Johnny, the most beautiful mess of a man she ever created. / Or, in which Victoria Newman reflected on the dark congruencies between mother and son. For Raven. [AU]


**Instinct**  
 **summary:** Victoria found a kindred spirit in Johnny, the most beautiful mess of a man she ever created. / Or, in which Victoria Newman reflected on the congruencies between mother and son. [AU]  
 **notes:** I was reading a fic a friend I wrote for me all over again and I kinda got inspired. I was inspired by how messed up everything was and this kinda unravelled in my head. Rae, I hope you like it. I tried to stay within the timeline of Katie's chapter. So, this would have happened way after Katie getting attacked and in Mattie's chapter, Johnny mentions Victoria coming to see him before the White Knight opened. So, maybe they talked about the events here when Victoria came by earlier in the day. Maybe they didn't. Who knows? I tried to fill in some of the blanks but not so much that it throws off the trajectory of your story. Enjoy!  
 **Disclaimer:** The characters aren't mine. The song Everybody Wants to Rule the Rule The World is not mine. The plot is most definitely NOT mine. _You have to read Young and Reckless_ to understand this fully so please do so. That story deals with a lot of heavy subject matter so if you're uncomfortable, read something else.

* * *

 **Part I  
** (welcome to your life, there's no turning back  
even while we sleep, we will find you  
we will find you acting on your best behaviour  
turn your back on Mother Nature)

When Victoria Newman – she never took Billy's name after marrying him for this fifth and final time – got pregnant with her children, they were very different ones. Her pregnancy with Reed was difficult. Katherine was her miracle baby and the best birthday gift she ever got. Her pregnancy with Johnny, however, gave her maternal instincts that made her borderline being selfish. It made her protective of him. When he was born, she didn't know who the identity of his father was at the time. But he was her baby while paternity was being established. Was he Billy's baby or was he was the child of a man she had a one-night with? No matter what and no matter the result, Johnny was _her_ child. He had grown and developed his own heartbeat in the midst of hers. Even when it was discovered that Johnny was Billy's son, Victoria declared him as just hers. He was _her_ baby. She had been divorced from Billy at that time and married him again while pregnant with Katherine.

Victoria loved her children. She loved how different and unique their personalities and behaviours were. It had made her house colourful. It gave her three shades of one colour and three different pairs of eyes for her gaze through. As much as she vowed to not play favourites like her father still did, she did on some innate level. Both she and Billy did. Reed was her first born and in the middle of being wrapped around in a dream that had nothing to do with her aspirations for him. Regardless, she was proud of him. Victoria had stopped understanding her daughter, however, the way she had before. She was gradually learning a new vocabulary when it came to her, finding new avenues to get Katie's attention, new ways to bond with her and sometimes, punish her. Most of the time, it was futile. With age, Victoria had lost some of her uptight, neurotic nature and learned to go along the grain. It was still a learning curve for her but she was a quick study.

Recreational marijuana made Victoria unwind in the high it gave her. After years of coming across both Johnny and Katherine's stashes, she had reached a point in her life that made her think that she deserved it. Of course, she was a recreational marijuana user now. It made her tolerate Billy's vices and revel in hers. It made the stress easier to bear and playing the aloof, shocked mother made her sane. But she wasn't. Victoria had stopped being shocked by anything Johnny and Katie did a long time ago.

Victoria was proud of Reed's musical talent. She was in awe of Katie's zest for life and her ability to burn it to the ground. More than anything, Victoria found a kindred spirit in Johnny, the most beautiful mess of a man she ever created.

* * *

 **Part II  
** (it's my own desire, it's my own remorse  
help me to decide, help me to make the most of freedom and of pleasure  
nothing ever lasts forever)

The Brash and Sassy offices were empty. Night had fallen and after that less than stellar family dinner, Victoria needed to work. She needed to forget her house of family members being insane even for Newman-Abbott standards. She cringed as she still heard Katherine's sharp shrieking telling her father to hurry up and just die. She still couldn't quite get Katherine's outburst in the form of an ear splitting scream and figure out where the hell it had come from. Billy looked at her and discreetly mouthed, _she's high_. In response, she kicked Billy in the shin underneath the table because she was frustrated and had no idea where to place it.

Victoria could have sworn a credit card was stolen from her purse by her drug addled niece. Reed was running interference and Johnny was the only one at the table relatively sane. Victoria felt it down to the marrow of her bones. Her house had turned chaotic and tumultuous again even as her nest was slowly going empty again. Victoria still felt that chaos so she kissed her children goodbye, hugged Nick, and was grateful to get through another family function in which she didn't follow through with the strong desire to stab Adam in the neck with one of her best forks. Finally, she grabbed her purse, kissed Billy goodbye and went to go find some peace of her own. Victoria walked into her company's office building, took the elevator to the top floor and exhaled a breath of relief. Victoria had arrived and stayed in the safety of her shelter and under the shield of her haven.

—

There was an attack at the Ice Castle, the victim unidentified. That is what the news alert on her computer told her as she worked well into the night. Evening morphed into the darkest time of night and so began a rattling in her chest, an alarm in her head and her instinct in the form of a dragon ready to breathe fire starting to roar in the process of sharpening its claws. Victoria was unsure of the origin but she felt it. Her awareness increased tenfold. Katherine lived there only because Billy financed her tenancy there. She was his princess. Even when she put herself in dangerous situations, he found reasons to overlook it and love her. While she went out of her mind with every accident, every instance of self-harm that drew her to Memorial, and every overdose that left Katherine open to the possibility of death, Billy loved her. Even though this recent overdose had Victoria crying and worried she would kill herself with Christian's Ritalin, Billy remained full of calmness and quiet confidence. She was infuriated with him, envious of him and fell in love with him all over again. _It could have been worse, Vick. It can always be worse. I'm just grateful she's alive so we could love her despite putting us in His and Her straitjackets. Katie wouldn't do that to us. She knows in her own way,_ Billy would tell her with a smile that assured her and a kiss. Victoria would return it with watery eyes, a soft smile of her own and a hug that symbolized respect for a lost little girl of the past and _their_ little girl – a girl who was a woman finding ways to be lost but with the potential to be always found.

This time, it seemed, Katie didn't look to be lost again. This time, someone took her and drowned her in a darkness she couldn't find her way out of. Victoria knew when her daughter fell into darkness thick enough, she would be comfortable in staying lost.

—

As she stared out of the top floor window of her Brash and Sassy office, Victoria could see Newman Tower in the distance, Jabot Cosmetics towering next to it and the White Knight somewhere in between. Victoria quietly laughed, the irony not lost on her. Johnny and Katherine carried the blood of two opposing families, the products of two modern kingdoms.

No mother wanted to be able to say their child was the owner of a brand new strip club but Johnny was tenacious and ruthless that way. She respected his determination to be the king of his domain full of people with non-existent inhibitions and uncontrolled debauchery. While Connor tried so hard to be the one to inherit Newman, her father had named Johnny as his true heir when she chided him for passing on making the grandchildren compete against each other. Victor stared at her and laughed a laugh that remained unchanged from her childhood. _Johnny is a Newman, Victoria. He does what he has to by any means necessary. Above all else, your son, my dear girl, embodies what it means to protect family at all costs. He is the one most fit for this chair. For my legacy._

When the three of them had dinner at the Top of the Tower one night, Johnny merely shrugged and smiling that charming smile of his and politely declined to run in the race to the Newman Throne even though he was far ahead. _I'm flattered, Grandpa. Honoured. I think Katie would have a better handle on that than me down the line. Besides, I think I'd rather follow your philosophy. Build my own empire from the ground up, so to speak. That is the most valuable lesson I got from you, Grandpa._ Her father's hearty laugh made her do the same. Victor saw the twinkle in her father's eyes, one that conveyed pride and one of mischief. He was keeping Johnny's nameplate in case. She knew it.

Victoria smiled at the warmth underneath her skin, triggered by the memory. Then the door to her office open and closed. In that moment, she became acutely attuned to the ice freezing the blood in her veins because of the potential reality of things. If that reality was something grounded in truth, then nobody would be safe from her.

She turned around and slowly walked towards the hulking men in their suits. She turned icy cold blue eyes on them.

"Were you discreet?"

The one on the left nodded, obediently, "Absolutely, Ms. Newman."

The man on the right piped up soon after. Good. Victoria appreciated that they didn't waste her time or her money. She was paying them to do what she instructed while being efficient and that's what she expected.

"Phillip, Stephen," Victoria addressed them, calmly. "I trust you kept an eye on my son like I instructed."

Stephen raised dark brown eyes to hers, surety in his face and his frame rigid with certainty. Victoria took in a sharp intake of her breath to stem the pain in her heart. Where Reed resided in her heart was calm, peaceful and serene. He was okay. Reed would always be okay. The region that carried her love for Johnny stabbed her. The space where Katherine with her all flaws, claws, and inner beauty lay, ached.

"We spotted your son last night and watched him like you asked."

Victoria raised a perfectly done brow with her face telling him to continue and do it quickly.

"And?"

Phillip's green eyes also carried the same certainty in them. The small instances of silence between seemed longer to her. It seemed to go on for a time and when Victoria couldn't stand it, she grew irritated and impatient. Her blue eyes weren't cold anymore but flashed with anger.

"Out with it!" she yelled, sharp like razor blades. "You spotted my son! Spit it out!"

She saw one of them flinch and the other swallow, Adam's apple bobbing up and down in his throat.

"There's no question that your son is the one who found the perpetrator of the attack at the Ivory Castle. Upon further investigation, there's no question he was the one who had the attacker assaulted near death. He is the reason he is in a medically induced coma."

Victoria stared at the men in her office and grew quiet. Sometimes, when she stared into Johnny's eyes she could see the happy-go-lucky, funny child looking back at her. In his smile, Victoria saw the little boy who grinned proudly when he finally mastered the art of tying his own shoes. She saw the resourcefulness and concentration when he worked to twist the laces around until they resembled something like floppy bunny ears. When Johnny had moments of deep thoughtfulness, she saw the pain in his face no matter how stoic he was and he cracked bit by bit under its weight. In those moments, Victoria saw her son as the little boy frightened by thunder and lightning, running to her so she could make it all better by letting him seek comfort in her arms.

In those moments, she slipped away from the crowd, found him and then would sit with him in a comfortable silence. His quiet rage was hers. His anger was hers. The tendency to be protective was hers. Actions Johnny did on a primal, instinctual level were also hers. They shared the same kind of monsters that drew them together and bonded them. When Victoria saw his stoicism and ice, she saw herself inside of him. His charisma and charm were from Billy, however. But she understood him. Because of the understanding of Johnny's thought process, Victoria deduced with horror who the attack victim was. Of course, he would go to extreme lengths like this for her. She chuckled and shook her head. Of course, you would, Johnny.

"—the victim was…"

Victoria finished, evenly, holding on to her composure.

"My daughter. You're going to tell me Katherine was the victim. Someone attacked my child and my son handled it, correct?"

Phillip and Stephen looked mildly stunned, looked at each other and at her. They nodded but said nothing. She couldn't understand why they were stunned when as their mother, she was not. Johnny's protective streak was a characteristic ingrained in him from childhood. Katherine's mean streak developed before the age of three and Reed had to play the role of a third parent while still in adolescence. She knew this in her head and her heart. It was just the status quo. Victoria closed her eyes and exhaled. She glanced behind her to stare at the framed photo on the shelf behind her desk in the shuffle. Her eyes flitted from one familiar face to the next. Beside her current wedding photo, was the picture of a little girl kissing her brother on the cheek while the boy grinned into the camera. Beside that one, were the picture of her children in black and white. Reed, Johnny, and Katherine captured in a light moment that had them in the throes of laughter. In the first, Johnny was five years old while Katherine was only a girl of two. In the second, Reed was twenty, Johnny was nine and Katie now seven. The photo was frozen in a time where there was just innocence and simplicity. With time, Victoria watched innocence shrivel up and simplicity became a foreign concept.

She forced her anger back and told it to reside in its cage a little longer.

"Listen, carefully," she instructed the two men evenly as the monster bent and strained against the steel cage holding it captive. "I don't want one word of this getting out anywhere. Is that understood? I do not want a media circus and my daughter doesn't need it. Ever. Importantly, my father's reach is very long. You know this. He will not hear of this either."

"Yes, ma'am."

Victoria folded her arms and sighed, "Leave," she dismissed, coolly with a wave of her hand. "Her father and I will handle this. Thank you for getting me what I need and your loyalty. It's imperative that is ongoing."

The men looked at her and she stared at them with a pointed look.

As quickly as they came, the big figures walked away through her door and she was alone. Victoria was left alone with her sadness, her sickness, and her horror. She was solitary in the anger make her blood run hot again. Victoria also placed the weight of blame on her shoulders because it was hers to carry. She resolved to not carry it with Billy. She was their mother. How could she not know her son would be proactive and calculating to a fault? How did she not know her daughter could be strong and fragile all at once?

Katie was too young to go through something this horrific. She would inflict pain on herself because she knew no other way to cope. It wasn't Johnny's responsibility to rectify it even though she knew he would. She took steps toward the bar in her office and poured Chardonnay into a crystal tumbler half way. She slid the stopper into the opening of the decanter and brought the glass to her lips. The alcohol burned her throat and she winced as it did but she drained it in one gulp.

Victoria saw herself, younger and pregnant. She saw a woman softly rocking in a chair as she smiled softly at her belly. A soft voice told the child within a litany of hopes, a list of dreams and an infinite amount of promises she vowed to keep for the rest of her life. For once, Victoria wasn't there to protect her child. Did Katie cry out for her in the midst of being torn to pieces by some nameless stranger? Did Katie wish for her or hope for Billy to come and rescue her as she fought to not be at the mercy of unfamiliar hands?

Tears pooled in Victoria's eyes, making them the colour of a peaceful sea about to be disturbed. A tear slid down her cheek and when her sobs became too much to suppress, Victoria Newman screamed and threw the crystal glass against a wall. She watched it explode, pieces like glitter on the carpet _._ When the glass erupted, she did too. She shook with sobs as fresh tears fell down her already flushed cheeks.

* * *

 **Part III  
** (there's a room where the light won't find you, holding hands while the world comes tumbling down  
when they do, i'll be right behind you  
so glad we've almost made it  
so sad we had to fade it)

"It was _fucking_ Katie, Vick," Billy angrily declared, when he blew into her office and slammed her door so hard, it rattled.

She watched her husband pace up and down, the epitome of anger and agitation. Victoria sat her desk quietly, cigarette between her fingers as she shook off the loose ash into the ashtray. For all the years Victoria had known Billy, she knew this was the status quo. With every warm emotion came the dark ones. She loved him, was heartbroken by him, became amused by him, and sometimes, hated him. But Billy was the fire to Victoria's ice. She brought the cigarette to her lips again and inhaled the nicotine needed to give her clarity to keep the wheels in her head, spinning fast. A stream of smoke left her full red lips and floated to the high ceiling. Smoking was one of her vices. It was one she was attracted to in boarding school and one she quit when she became pregnant with Reed. Now at this point in her life, Victoria had been re-acquainted with it and in turn, it embraced her like the warm hug of a dear longtime friend.

She let Billy rage and release enough anger for the both of them. Billy was the bomb and the fatal shrapnel after the explosion. Then Victoria saw wild brown eyes turned on her. His wedding band glinted from being hit by the fluorescent lights. Victoria allowed the smoke rest in her lungs before she set it free again.

"Why are you so calm about this?" he asked, frustrated with her. "Our daughter had some deranged bastard attack her and you're _this_ calm."

Victoria stared at Billy and then with a glare, put the cigarette out in the ashtray with a frown in her mouth. She sighed and leaned in, looking Billy in the eye.

"Calm?" Victoria repeated, with a slight edge in her voice. She stood and met his gaze. "I am _way_ past furious but you cannot run in with guns blazing. This is a delicate issue. The only people who can handle them is us. No one else but us but we have to plan this carefully."

"And you have one?"

She did. It had dawned on her. It was twisted and sick. It was something she had never thought before but it was a part of her she was comfortable in venturing into. In truth, she never understood why a person could easily fall into a slope downward into their shadows. As years went by, Victoria toned down her neuroticism. Only slightly. She let go of little bit and pieces of the rigidity she was known for. The Ice Queen never left her. She brought a comfortable coldness to Victoria's soul but when Katherine was hurt, her insides turned to subzero frostbite. It was normal now for her to be Machiavellian. At least, within the confines of morality. Even then, she wanted to bend them until her Newman ruthlessness magnified before it snapped them in many pieces. She let her face become pensive, letting the steps of her plan unfold in a linear pattern.

Victoria marinated in her thoughts before Billy snapped her out of them. She met his eye again. The fury left them and it was replaced with recognition. Then he smirked, that twinkle in his eye.

"It's in your eyes, Victoria," Billy observed, his eyes studying her. "You're still as bloodthirsty as ever. What are you up to?"

She let a small smile land on her lips and she walked around her desk to collect her purse. Still the fury was there and Victoria needed to let it roam free to destroy. It had to be a beneficial kind of destruction. It was legal to her even though she was going to use illegal methods. Besides, the GCPD were idiots. Detective Malloy surely couldn't be aware of all his officers. They were officers sworn to serve and protect, yes, but they were also human with their own prices, needs and wants. It was just a matter of how much. His son was a nice young man but she observed that Rory Malloy was too eager and too much eagerness made him sloppy even unintentionally.

"I'm…working to not alienate our daughter and to finish what our son started. You know more than anyone that if this is even a rumor, every news outlet and tabloid will be salivating to jump on this. We can't be protective like we usually are."

"What's the plan?"

"I'm going to kill him tonight, Billy. Then I'm going to have a long talk with our son before his club opens next Friday. The two of us will take this to our graves. I will keep this secret with me until the day I die. Katherine won't know we were involved. We will alienate her even more if she knows. Johnny can't know either. This will break him. I cannot afford that. I will _not_ risk that. That's the plan here."

"What? Johnny knew about this?" he questioned, and then shook his head, chuckling. "Fuck. Of course, he did. That kid is so damn protective. It amazes and scares the shit out of me."

Victoria nodded, "Yes. He knew and he was impressively proactive. He found the perpetrator and took care of it. The way Johnny always takes care of things when he's angry enough."

"You and Johnny are on the same brain wavelength like that. Like mother, like son."

Victoria looked at her husband with a wry smile. Billy was always the best at levity.

"Something like that."

—

How did _you_ know it was Katie?"

"Vick, I watched that news report over and over. I stared at it, focused on everything but the news anchor and the police cars. I…I stared at the Ivory Castle. I really looked at it and then I looked at how particularly dark it was tonight around it," he explained, softly and then he raised those brown eyes here, equally sad. Billy's fury left his face and settled into his body under his skin now. "I was at home working on some Restless Style stuff after that dinner tonight. I swear, Faith stole like 400 dollars from my wallet for more drugs but that's beside the point. I don't know… Something in my gut hurt and I felt my stomach drop. The same way my stomach dropped that night… I couldn't shake it. I was scared shitless and so angry I could punch a damn wall. I have no idea why."

Victoria glanced away from him and folded her arms. Decades later, her husband was haunted by Delia's death. She was only seven. She would forever be seven years old when she had the potential to be so much more. Billy shared a piece of his heart with one daughter while sharing a brain and a soul with the other.

"I went to see her before I came here. She saw me and cried in my arms, Victoria. She shook in them and she was so small. That's how I knew. The broken glass. The drugs she took to push the fear and pain away," Billy finished, quietly. "She didn't say anything to me. It was in her eyes. We didn't talk. All I did was wipe her tears away, kiss her on the forehead, told her I loved her and left."

Victoria merely kissed him and when she pulled away, she rested her forehead against his.

"I'll see you at home," she whispered and kissed him on the lips again. Victoria kissed him selfishly and hungrily. Billy kissed her back in the same frenzied manner. Before she went to Memorial to steal someone's breath, she let Billy steal hers. She felt Billy's hands roam the places on her body he had for years. Victoria moaned in his mouth when he grabbed her ass and felt her husband grew hard as her fingers traced the leather material of his belt. She couldn't. She couldn't. Not now. Time was crucial or it would fall apart. Victoria pulled away, flushed and breathless. "Billy…"

He then reached out and stroked the apple of her cheek. Billy took her hand and kissed the inside of her wrist, brown eyes darkening.

"Get enough blood on your hands for both of us, Vick."

She smiled softly with a nod, kissed his cheek and grabbed her purse. She left Billy in her office. He was her husband. Everyone knew that, so no one would be suspicious. But she couldn't risk any aroused suspicions distracting or stopping her altogether. Victoria exhaled a breath, unaware she had been holding it and rested a hand against the wooden surface of the door bearing her name in gold. Victoria could have asked God to forgive her for what she was about to do, but she didn't.

She wasn't religious and she welcomed this kind of sin.

Rummaging through her purse, Victoria found her phone and dialled.

In three rings, the other voice picked up promptly like she expected it to.

"You answered like I expected you," Victoria said, letting an undertone of hardness seeping into her voice again. "Do you know exactly like what I want you to do?"

The other voice answered, obediently. Yes, they knew what they were paid to do. They knew the part they had to play in her carefully thought out course of action toward the end goal. There was going to be death before dawn. That was it.

"Do your part and you'll be paid handsomely," Victoria said into her phone with a smirk. She then grew threatening. "If you aren't flawless, I will destroy you and you will pay dearly. I have enough power to do that. You're aware of that, yes?"

Again, the other voice replied, trembling slightly.

"Okay," Victoria said again with a satisfied grin as the silver elevator doors opened and she stepped inside. "I'm on my way. I will handle the rest. It's my responsibility to finish it. Do you understand?"

Yes, they understood crystal clear.

"Excellent," she said, finally. "Lose this number. Don't ever call me again."

Victoria hung up and the silver doors of the elevator doors closed.

The elevator doors carried her down to the parking garage.

The elevator pushed her slowly down into a hell of flames and icicles before she drove away into the darkness.

—

 _fin._


End file.
